I took a sudden notion

To go down to the ocean

I'd got my sun-tan lotion

My flippers and my mask



In proper distribution

Of fully-formed ablutions

Formed an ocean of pollution

In which I daredn't bask



Some turds were teeny-tiny

And some were big and shiny

But they all fucked up the briney

In which I dipped my toe



If you go swimming in the shite-us

You'll get worse than dermititis

From the sea of grey detritus

Where the sewage ebbs and flows



There's no respite

From the cess-pit

No shelter from the pong

The poor old ocean

Is full of motions

Where the hell did we go wrong?



Like a lamb off to the slaughter

Pored myself a glass of water

I failed to spot I'd caught a

Little creature in my cup



I was well and truly bolleaux-ed

From the fires of hell that followed

T’was the cup of life I'd swallowed

And it almost did me up



Something coming

Through the plumbing

That should not be there at all

The glass is brimming

And things are swimming

And quite frankly, I'm appalled



I was a very hungry fella

I defrosted my paella

Came down with Salmonella

Three weeks intensive care



They failed to send technicians in

To check the air-conditioning

Which was unfortunately transmissioning

A case of Legionnaires



There's a malaise

In the mayonnaise

There's a poo-poo in the prawn

Where we missed them

In the system

Little germs are being born

There's no respite

From the cess-pit

There's no shelter from the pong

Where the hell did we go wrong?